100 Questions - Well, at least 50.

I am one of those "chronic worriers". My husband tells me that I am a pessimist, but I sternly reply that I am not - I am a realist. I don't think he buys it though.... Through the many, many months of our adoption process, I have had plenty of "worries" and questions. As the light is starting to become visible to take us out of this tunnel and into the next phase of the journey, some of the questions have evaporated and been answered for me. Others still exist, and now new ones have crept in to take their place. I don't know if its a prayer list or as part of the spiritual journey, but I will list some of them here. Maybe by typing them, they will be off my chest and not something to be overly concerned about anymore. These are not in any particular order, just as they travel through my mind, down my fingers, to the keyboard, and onto the screen.....

1. Will our travel and time in China go smoothly without any horrible problems?
2. Will we have to fight with our health insurance provider to cover her needs?
3. Will she have been well taken care of in the orphanage where she is?
4. How well has her cleft palate and lip been repaired?
5. Will there have been some special "aunties" who cared for her and that she bonded with?
6. Will she be afraid of the loud noises at ballgames and the other wild activities in our lives?
7. Will her medical conditions be things that we can manage without putting too much of a strain on our family and finances?
8. Will we be able to find good day care for her in our community?
9. Will she come to love her big brothers and they her?
10. What about her mother in China? Is she ok?
11. What will the bad part be like when we meet E in China, and how long will it last?
12. What if she doesn't sleep at night when we return home?
13. What if there are problems that she has that we are totally unaware of and not able to handle?
14. When we return home, who will refuse to accept her or say stupid things about her race/medical issues?
15. Will her brothers be able to travel with us to get her and will their trip be a positive experience for them?
16. Will our school system be able to meet her unique needs?
17. Will the age gap between her and the boys be too much for them to really know each other?
18. Will she find good friends in her peer group?
19. Will we be able to help her when she feels "too different" from everyone else?
20. Because she is an older child than we expected, will she ever really attach to us and willingly become part of our family?
21. How do we answer the questions that she will have - especially the questions that really don't have an answer?
22. Will we have adequate funds to cover the adoption expenses without having to create new debt?
23. How will I react when a parent doesn't want their son to date her because of her race?
24. What if I don't feel the instant "love" I am expecting to feel?
25. How will I respond when people say insensitive things in front of her?
26. Will I be able to take enough "maternity" leave to get her settled into our crazy lives?
27. What if she doesn't like us?
28. Will she bond well with us, and us with her?
29. Will she ever fully feel like a member of our family?
30. What if she has too many behavior issues and we cannot help her?
31. Will the boys love her enough to protect her and shield her from hurtful things?
32. Will we find good health care for her and the needs she has?
33. What if the boys resent her and the way she has come into our family?
34. What was her family in China like and what were the circumstances in which they found themselves?
35. What if she doesn't like her new father or myself as her mother?
36. Will she be able to adjust to our busy schedules and hectic lifestyle?
37. How long will she scream and fuss when she gets into the car seat for the first time?
38. How much difficulty will we have understanding each other?
39. Will she come to resent us for taking her away from her native country?
40. What if she is not a happy child and spends her lifetime draining everyone around her?
41. Will we be able to help her learn about her culture in a way that allows her to be positive about her heritage?
42. What if my dreams about what it will be like are totally unrealistic and I am horribly disappointed?
43. What if she rejects us as her new family?
44. What if current relationships that we have are ended because of underlying issues with the other person in regards to race or her special needs?
45. What if she only wants the four of us and is afraid of everyone else for months?
46. What if she totally disrupts our lives and this was all a horrible mistake?
47. What if she bonds too strongly with one family member and others feel hurt or rejected?
48. Will we have room for her and the things she needs in our tiny cottage?
49. When will the first time be that she tells me "you aren't my real mother" and how deeply will it wound me when she does?
50. How many of these same basic questions did we have when we were pregnant with the boys and have just forgotten that we felt that way?

Ok, I feel slightly better... but surely I am not the only person who has these questions! I have heard the statement that 95% of what we worry about never comes to be. Since I worry so much, I am actually PREVENTING bad things from happening. I've only left 5% out there - and surely, we can handle 5%, right?